The Epic: A Story by Hebes

[Hebes24]

http://www.freewebs.com/hebes24/stories.htm

All the info's there. It's an original adventure story. Leave comments please. (either here or there - I set up the comments so anyone could post)

[JackSkratch]

Ok, that was an interesting read. The only thing I really have a problem with is all this "ninth hour" and "sixth hour" stuff. It just seems incredably awkward to say something like that, even in medieval times. I also would have like the chapter to be a bit longer, but, eh, thats just me. Good job!

[Hebes24]

Well, Cutting the chapter there made sense for what I'm planning in the next one, which includes Forte and Pulcher's dialogue, which leads to a flashback telling their story.

[plasmoidmonkey]

Sorry it took me so long to read it
Nice...I like it.
Though I noticed that there were an awful lot of words that were capitalized that should'nt have been. Though I could be wrong.
Review:

[Hebes24]

Sorry it took me so long to read it
Nice...I like it.
Though I noticed that there were an awful lot of words that were capitalized that should'nt have been. Though I could be wrong.
Review:

LOL, yeah. I have a problem with capitalizing random words. I do it all the time.

[swbf_lase]

Did you know theres a book called "Epic"? Lol....

Pretty cool stuff you got there though, still reading through some of it.

[Hebes24]

I just noticed that the last sentence of Chapter I was deleted. Weird.

I'll try to get another update soon. I'm a busy person.

[JackSkratch]

I liked it better without the final sentence.

[Hebes24]

WIP version of Chapter II is out.

Hidden/Spoiler:

Chapter II

"You look scared." They said in unison.

"People have been killed in this ceremony before." Pulcher said.

"Not since Magister has been teaching" Forte replied, trying to calm her. (and himself, but he sensed that it was not working for either of them)

"I know. But you've heard the stories..."

"Yes, I've heard many." He replied. There are many stories told by people in which people have been killed by as little as one blow from the paws, claws and/or teeth of the monsters said to be living in the Forest.

"and," she continued "I have had a really bad feeling about this from the beginning. it's some sort of ominous feeling that something terrible is to come. The closer this day has become, the greater the feeling has become. I'm really afraid something is going to happen to you"

That scared Forte. since the Coelicolian race is telepathic, any ominous feelings about the future could be subconscious premonitions. It has been known to occur, and the premonitions are said to be quite accurate. That's what scared him so much.

"Whoa," he said at length, "in that case I'll be extremely careful. I'll talk to Fidele, and make sure we watch each other's backs."

"Thanks, that's all I ask" She replied

"We'll be all right. We'll be back in no time." Forte said. He looked up at the clock and realized he had taken much too long.

"I have to go now." He said. He then kissed her and bid her goodbye (hoping it was not forever), and started to walk towards Magister's house, thinking about Pulcher, and remembering how their relationship began.

* * *

The Temple Woods had always been a special place for Forte. Unlike the Outskirts Woods, where he would be heading to for his ceremony, these woods were peaceful, pleasant, and relatively uninhabited by animals. It was located in the area behind the Sacred Temple, at the highest point in the town. The temple area was special, and dedicated to the gods. It was the last section of the town to become dark at sunset, when the sun set behind the mountains on the west side of the valley. He had always found it to be a place of serene beauty and peace, especially at sunset. He always went into the woods for walks by himself in his spare time. He loved the woods. It was in those very woods that he would discover the place that would become the focal point of his life.

He was about fourteen and a half years old, about two years before this story begins, and he was walking in the woods when he saw movement. He could not tell what it was, but he had a strange urge to investigate. when he arrived at the spot where he saw the movement, there was nothing there. But he soon caught sight of it again, but this time he got a better look. It still wasn't much, but he caught a glimpse of what looked like a glow from a torch. But it was daytime. It didn't make sense. He kept going in the direction of the movement, catching sight of it here and there. It led him deeper into the woods - towards the mountains. It eventually led to a path, but Forte had never seen this path before. He followed it, and it led into the opening of a cave. The cave itself was relatively short, and Forte could see the exit, so he decided to go through it.

What he saw at the other end astonished him.

At the end of the cave, the path sloped down to the edge of a small pool, which was formed from two small tributaries that had flown from further up the mountain. Forte looked behind him and saw, to his amazement that that cave had just led him through the middle of one of the mountains that made up the valley of Sacrata Province, and that the tributaries were from somewhere at the top of that mountain. What was even more amazing was the view beyond the pool. The pool overflowed forming a larger tributary which flowed further down the mountain. This gave Forte a view of literally the whole rest of the kingdom, barely being able to make out Coelicolae Center. He had never realized that Sacrata was at such great altitude. He sat and enjoyed the view for hours, leaving only when he realized that it was sunset, and he needed to return home. Now, instead of just taking walks in the woods, he walked to the pool when he needed some peace and quiet. What he did not know was that he was not the only one who knew about this beautiful secret place.

NOTE: Since this is a WIP version of the chapter, it is obviously not the full chapter, and more is to come. (it's probably about 30-50%, depending on how it goes)

Thanks for the feedback.

[JackSkratch]

After some quick searches on Wiktionary:

forte (plural fortes)
1. A strength or talent.
2. The strong part of a sword blade, close to the hilt.

pulcher
1. beautiful, fair
2. (idiomatic) noble, honorable, excellent
3. (substantive) beauty

malefico
1. evil
2. baleful, malign
3. dark (forces etc)

fidele
No page with this exact title exists; trying to find similar titles. Perhaps you wanted the Wikipedia article on Fidele.

And I tried to read the whole thing, but when I reached the big beefy paragraph I got bored away. Let me try again.

[Hebes24]

Try searching a latin dictionary. (search other names in the story - you'll be surprised how lazy I am with names )

What is your opinion of the story so far? I haven't got much feedback from anyone yet.

[JackSkratch]

Well, now that I've read the second half with all the big paragraphs, I have to say that I think theres something not quite right about it, but I can't put my finger on what. Maybe it just seems a bit to long becouse for some reason my internets font size is a few sizes larger then normal, but they do seem a bit to long and, dare I say, boring. Try chunking them into smaller paragraphs with more detail. And, unless your aiming at emphisis, stick that one sentence paragraph to the one before it.

Concerning the first part, you focus to much on the dialogue and not on the charecters. If you've engaged in a real conversation, as I have no doubt you have, body language plays an extremely important part as well. Describing something such as eyes widening or heads cocking to the sides help the reader get a glimpse of the conversation better. Not to mention, you've told us close to nothing about the charecters actual physical appearence, so no one can even imagine what they look like. Me, I'm imagining the charecters as looking like the charecters in the story I'm working on, and, its pretty creepy.

And one more thing. The dialogue, even if you added the better charecter discription, still seems a bit awkward. Try making it a bit more personal; add more emotion. If Pulcher feels extremely worried, try and show that she is genuenely worried. It seems like your just trying to get to the point, and while at sometimes it works, at other times, especially times with emotion, it doesnt. And, please remove the word "Woah" from the text. For me. It just doesnt fit.

And thats pretty much it, besides a few grammerical issues I'm sure you'll be able to find on your own. Remember, this is just my opinion; you don't have to follow any of it, although I would like it if you took my advice.

I really got to get to bed now, my moms mad at me for staying on so late on a school night when I have a cough. hehe.

[Hebes24]

For the description paragraphs, I wanted the reader to really feel the mystery and beauty of the pool. That's why it was so long.

I do need to work on my dialogue/description skills. I was planning on describing Pulcher later in the flashback, and when I return to the present, I'll describe Forte and Fidele, their friendship, etc.

Thanks for the feedback, especially about the dialogue. I knew it was pretty awkward, but I wasn't sure how to improve it.


Also, I wonder why no one else is posting? Of all the stories here, mine seems the most neglected.

[plasmoidmonkey]

Pretty good update. I like it.
And yeah, you are pretty lazy with your latin names (Heh, not as lazy as the Romans. They only had eightteen different boys' names and only about half of them were actually used)

[Hebes24]

Thanks.

Now that the site's back up, hopefully I can get some more feedback from people.

[Challenger33]

I read this a while ago; from what I remember, it was excellent

Nice job

[plasmoidmonkey]

Heheh, nice.
I'm not one for writing romantic sequences, but apparently you can do it with great skill.
Keep up the good work.

[Hebes24]

Feedback! Finally! Thanks, especially about the romance. It took me so long to write that part.

[JackSkratch]

Ok, want some honesty? You totally rushed it. I was laughing with embaresment the entire time I read it. I'm not sure if it was good or bad, all I know is that this paragraph:

"I knew you would be here tonight," she said, looking down. Her voice was the most beautiful thing Forte had heard in weeks. She looked up at him, and continued. "I wanted to explain why I haven't been talking to you. First of all, that was a very...up front approach, and it caught me off guard. Secondly, after the link, I had started to feel some deeper feelings for you, but I wasn't sure quite what it was. When we linked, your emotions were so powerful, so I thought that maybe it was an effect of the link, and I decided to keep my distance for a while to be sure. I soon realized it wasn't the link, and that my feelings were true." She moved close to him. "So, here's my true answer."

made me vomit in my mouth. So either your completely horrible at romantic writing, or your so good I'm just vomiting becouse sappy romance makes me barf. Or that could just be extremely awkward dialogue.

Sorry, just saying. No offence, although I know their will be none taken.

[Hebes24]

Yeah, that was basically the most awkward part of the story to write. I knew people would either think it was OK, or absolutely hate it. (I don't even like how it turned out myself, now that I think about it)

Fortunately, there shouldn't be any more scenes of romance to that degree.

The next chapter will also start the action, so that should hopefully be better.