JackSkratch wrote:I was the one who posted it, I found it on Uncyclopedia.
That answers that question. And here is the map in question.
And here is the update!
CHAPTER 4
WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?
OR
MASTER GURU CONTAINS 378% OF YOUR DAILY RECOMMENDED DOSE OF VITAMIN PAIN
Master Guru sat in his high-backed chair, reviewing the data collected on the battles three days earlier. Things just didn’t add up. The QC targeted GT facilities at the happyinium mines in Happy Land and main toxic waste processing plant in the Afghan Parking Lot, and made it a point to steal large amounts of both materials, even at the cost of over a hundred thousand reinforcement points. This was what really didn’t make sense: Happyinium and toxic sludge have absolutely
no effecton each other. You thought I was going to say that they would make a bomb, didn’t you? Don’t lie, yeah, you did. But they don’t and that is the problem. Why would they go to such lengths to steal materials that could not aid them in any way?
They were up to something, Master Guru was sure of it. All Empire Armies had been restocked and rested up for whatever attack they planned next. Unfortunately, the source of the attacks had not yet been discovered.
The Jawa got down from his chair and began to pace. After a few restless minutes, he stopped and looked out his wall-length window, which overlooked a courtyard containing the President’s personal garden.
Guru pressed the ignition button on his lightsaber. A shimmering blade of orange sprung from his hand, which he still held behind his back.
“Congratulations on getting in here.” He said, not turning around. “There are only two other people who can get into my office without having to stop for identification: Chuck Norris and Santa. I can tell you’re neither of them, nor are you immune to Force Sense. You are Bahumetar, level ninety-six Anubanite Assassin, and you’ve come here for my head.” He swung around and brandished his saber at his jackal-headed enemy. “But I’m afraid you can’t do that right now, my friend.”
The would-be assassin growled and pulled out twin Covenant plasma swords. He grunted something that sounded like [word not allowed], and jumped at Guru.
The Jawa jumped over his desk and over the assassin, planted his feet in Bahumetar’s back, and pushed. The Anubanite crashed through the window and flew out into the courtyard.
Bahumetar picked himself up from the fifty foot-long trench he’d made on impact. Master Guru was standing right in front of him.
“My, my. This is the best the QC can muster up to take me out?” He down-thrusted with his saber.
The Anubanite rolled out of the way and brought up his twin blades at Guru’s neck. Guru blocked, twisted them out of the way, and kicked him in the family jewels. As Bahumetar screamed in pain, Guru jumped up on top of one of the pillars that formed two rows down the center of the courtyard. The Anubanite looked up to see Guru giving him the universal “c’mon” hand sign, as well as various other rude gestures.
The assassin barked angrily and climbed up an adjacent pillar like a spider. As he reached the top, he made a leap for Guru’s position. In a crash of blades, Guru flipped over him to the next one down the path on the opposite side. Bahumetar growled and made another lunge. And so they went, jumping from pillar to pillar, clashing in mid-air, Guru leading his attacker down the path.
At the end, Guru jumped onto the domed roof of a building and waited, deactivating his saber. Bahumetar caught up with him and stood before the diminutive creature, confused at his targets seeming acceptance of his fate.
The Anubanite growled something that sounded like “What the hell is wrong with you?” and pointed a sword at Guru, the tip a fraction of an inch from his face.
At that moment Guru whipped out his saber and cut through both the hilts of his swords. His blade also cut through his robes, showing the Anubanite’s full body tattoos, row after row of verses.
Devoid of his weapons, Bahumetar knelt on the ground and began to recite, in perfect English.
“These are the 582.5 Tenets of the All-Mighty Harry Potter Covenant of Shippers. First Tenet: All those who do not ship are infidels. Second Tenet: All those who ship blasphemes against the Covenant are infidels. Third Tenet: All those who do not worship the All-Mighty Covenant and its Most Holy Epilogue are infidels. Tenet Five: All infidels shall face the wrath of the Covenant. Tenet Six:…”
“I got one for you! How about you shut the hell up!?!?” Guru raised his lightsaber. Only too late did he realize that Bahumetar had pulled out a short cortosis dagger from his pants, which he deftly blocked the strike and disarmed Guru with. Now he was back on his feet, the dagger now at Guru’s neck.
“Now what do you have to say for yourself?” The Anubanite chuckled.
“Nothing much, but what is that mysterious ticking noise?” Guru looked to his sides. “Not over there, not over there, ah! Found it!” He reached inside his robe. “It’s a pipe bomb!” He threw the explosive at his feet.
As the smoke cleared, the building now had a gigantic hole in it. Guru stood unharmed off to the side of the pile of rubble which held the barely conscious Bahumetar.
“Sorry, Bahumetar. You’ll need to be much better than that to beat the Master President of the GT Empire.” Guru chuckled as his opponent faded into hammerspace. Then he put his hands in his pockets and walked back to his office as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, for indeed, nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
Enjoy!
EDIT: I apologize for the size of the map, but this way you can see the names easily.
